We get a lot of questions from the rest of the world about this D-life. Sometimes they infuriate us, sometimes they confound us. Sometimes they make us snort. So as a service to those who struggle with the answers, I’ve compiled this helpful list of suggested responses to questions you may get out in the wild. Feel free to adopt, share, tweak and use. And if you have some great answers, add them in the comments. This I the kind of public support and service the Diabetes Online Community is great for. Read on.
Question: “How are your/your child’s numbers?”
Answer: Oh, thank you for asking. I’m finding that sometimes they are even numbers, and sometimes they are odd. Every once in a while they are divisible by three, but thankfully, they are almost never prime numbers. Ha ha – can you imagine a prime number? Oh-em-gee. One time last week she had numbers that were multiples of 10. Twice in one day! That’s about where we are at.
Question: Are you/your child regulated?
Answer: Funny you should ask. I know the government is really into regulating commerce, and certainly the airlines. Or are they into de-regulating? Whatever … But in all the research I’ve done, I’ve not found a case of them regulating people with diabetes. If she is supposed to be regulated and I failed to do that, I sure hope we don’t get caught! People with diabetes don’t do well in prison … oh. Why? What did you mean?
Question: Should you/your child be eating that?
Answer: Absolutely not. After all, that could be sent to the Sudan to help a starving family. Or, it could be sent to a pre-school to be used as a cute craft for them to bring home for mommy to wear. Anyway, I’m pretty sure she’s going to dribble some and stain that shirt and it’s a hand wash shirt – I know why WHY WHY did I buy a hand wash shirt when I HATE hand washing – and when she dribbles I’m going to be the one who has to wash it. Plus, her aura is blue and I really, really don’t like her eating orange foods like that because it messes with her aura. So, no: she really should not be eating that. But YOU explain that to her. Right after she boluses for what she’s eating.
Question: Can I catch diabetes from you/your child?
Answer: Listen, buddy: I’ve seen you on the field. You are way more of a designated hitter. Don’t even TRY to catch. Okay?
Question: Do you have the bad kind of diabetes or the good kind?
Answer: That’s such a great question. I think I have the good kind. Because it never, every gets lazy and like … stops being all diabetes-ey on me. It’s wicked good at diabetes. Wicked. So I think it’s the good kind. Right?
Question: You were so young when you were diagnosed. You must be totally used to it by now. That’s lucky.
Answer: Without saying a word, responder begins flicking the questioner, directly in the eyeball.
Questioner: Ouch! OW! OMG WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? OUCH!
Answer: No worries. I’m going to do this all the time, and you’re still pretty young. Before you know it, you’ll be totally used to it, which is lucky!
Question/Comment: I totally get it. My cat has diabetes.
Answer: Did you consider putting your cat to sleep?
Response: OMG NO! WHY??
Answer: Because to be honest, when (child, loved ones, whoever name) was diagnosed, I considered it. I mean, it’s such a pain! Right? And there are always more adoption days.
Question: So, if you have diabetes, how come you are so thin? Did you use to be really fat?
Answer: Well, not but I was pretty PHAT. I’ll give you that. PHAT like Lil Kim PHAT. Lil Kim before the prison years I mean. Obviously.
Question (which is more like a statement begging for a reaction): OMG I could never give myself a shot/insert a pump site/prick my finger!
Answer: Yeah, I might just stop. I think dying quickly and painfully of hyperglycemia would be way better than these horrible shots. They suck.
Second answer choice: I know, right! THANKFULLY I had a syringe-based drug addiction before diabetes so this is all pretty normal for me.
Question: Do you know whose fault it is?
Answer: Yours. (and then stomp away and avoid them for months just to let it marinate).
Question: How are you/your child doing? Because my grandma’s cousin had diabeetus and she lost her leg. But it took like … 10 years I think for her to lose it. So yeah, how are you doing? (If you are a parent, this is usually asked within the earshot of your child).
Answer: Not a word. Instead, laser beams shoot directly out of your eyes and reduce that moh-ron to dust. Right there in the coffee shop line. Nuff said.
I hope this guide serves you well. Practice your answers in front of a mirror. Own them. And share them with confidence. Education is a great thing.