Nagging, instinct and diabetes: Will money “talk?”

The tattoo artist’s eyebrows raised in a way that lifted all seven of his piercings there to a new high.

“You want me to tattoo the words ‘Are you low?’ and ‘Did you check?’ on your forehead? Lady, that’s twisted.

Okay, so that didn’t really happen but . . . over the year’s, I’ve been tempted. If I could send the JDRF or the DRI or CWD a dollar for every time I’ve said those words over the past 14 years, I do believe they’d be able to fund all the research and outreach on the planet. And I’m not even sure that statement is hyperbole.

I think of it today because soon, I’m up for a big challenge. My daughter with diabetes is coming home from her first year at college and with her will come back my constant and almost unquenchable instinct to say those words.

You see,  I’ve had a break this year. With Lauren more than 500 miles away from me in college, I’ve had a bit of a buffer. Because honestly, the urge is still there. I still wonder and worry and stress over her diabetes, just as any red-blooded person who cares about a person with diabetes does (I suggest here that spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends; it’s all the same as the mom and dad instinct). But having to pick up the phone or type a private facebook message or try to use only my thumbs texting her (something old-fogey me is still mastering) does give me some time to think before I say those words.

In a month, she’ll be home for the summer. I’m thrilled. I miss my daughter. My husband misses her. The cat misses her too. And yet . . . I’m going to lose that buffer. I need to find a way to control my urge to nag because, I expect, she’s coming home much changed.

First of all, there’s the big thing: she’s on shots. Yep, after 12 solid years of pumping, my daughter decided last January to take what her endo calls a “pump break.” She knows I think pumping rocks, but she also knows I think that it really does not matter what method she uses to put insulin in her body and track it properly, so long as she does it. But the shots scare me. I don’t know a lot about them (Lantus and rapid acting insulin did not exist way back when I ruled her world on shots. Those were the dark days of regular, nph, and perfectly timed meals that seemed to always go wrong. Which is probably why I’m afraid of them). I’m not in tune with the rhythm of the day on shots.

Which presents an interesting challenge for her and for me: how to find a way to help me know and understand what is going on (and frankly, to help me not be worried and freaking out), while still allowing her to continue on her path toward diabetes independence. She’s only 19. She still needs my advice and support (even if she often thinks she doesn’t). But I need to remember that she is growing up and moving toward self-care. My urge to know all and take it all over would hinder her rather than help her.

We’ve struggled with this issue in some ways for years. When she was itty-bitty it was not an issue at all. Even though she chose to do her own site changes and shots pretty much from the start, she never minded my managing her daily care. Until she was a few years into school. One day she pointed out that the first thing out of my mouth when she got home each day was something about her diabetes. She begged me to remember: She is much more than a person with diabetes. So I promised myself NOT to bring it up first. Then in a few weeks, me feeling all peacock-strutty about how well I was doing with that she pointed something out: I was just using “filler,” (yep she called it that), counting off two or three things to ask her until I could get to what I REALLY wanted to ask her: are you low? Did you bolus? Are you high?

We tried other things too – like having her leave her meter out so I could “ask the meter” and not her. But in the end, the nagging that is instinct takes over.

So come May 18th, I’m going to have to find some other options. It is right that she is growing toward a place where the diabetes care is hers (although she has admitted to me that even the idea of managing the insurance issues freaks her out; that might be mine for some time more). I need to grow toward a place where I don’t stick my nose in it constantly.

But notice I used the word “instinct.” That’s exactly what I think it is. From the time our loved ones are put into our lives (be they children, spouses; whatever) it is our instinct to protect them. Diabetes is a wicked monster; one I want to protect my daughter from. But if I want her to grow up, be happy and not mind being around me, I need to find a way to channel that instinct.

So what about my idea of a dollar to diabetes programs every time I want to say it? I’m going to place a jar on the kitchen counter. In it, every time I want to say one of those tattooable statements, I’ll place a buck. I expect it will fill up fast. And I hope that it will be a silent reminder to my daughter:

Mom really cares. And  . ..  have you checked?

Maybe in this case, money will talk.

11 thoughts on “Nagging, instinct and diabetes: Will money “talk?”

  1. Starting at the end…do you make enough MONEY to put a dollar in every time? Now that my son is 28, I think I could afford that. Until a couple of years ago, I would have needed a second job!

    As to the pump break – my son has been on one for several years now, and the lantus and fast-acting insulin rock! You really don’t need to understand it, other than superficially. Lauren has been managing it on her own for several months now! 😉 For my son, his a1c actually improved once he dropped the pump (which does allow them to ignore the D and still function, if poorly – shots do not!) Most college-age young people are so glad to be free of the pump for a while, if they’ve had it for years. I think we have no idea how dependent it may make them feel, 24/7.

    Finally, just admit to Lauren and yourself that you may be unable to stop yourself from asking the questions. Go ahead and fine yourself if you want. I could always smell on my child’s breath when he was high, so I used to limit myself to only asking when I smelled a slight ketone-y smell. Believe it or not, I could smell that hours before he got REALLY high.

    Now, when he comes home to visit us, if the urge just gets overwhelming… I always start by saying “I know you have managed quite well to keep yourself alive and healthy for years now, living 150 miles away from me, by yourself, but I can’t resist…did you bring your insulin?” (or whatever my question is) That way he KNOWS I am just slipping back, for a tiny moment into SUPER MOM protective mode. Thank God he’s pretty forgiving.

    Lauren knows you love her.

  2. This made me laugh.

    I’m glad you’re finally realizing that your nagging is bothering me. But understand, I DO realize that you only do it because you care about me. The only reason it drives me crazy is because there is more that happens in my life than diabetes. But I’d much rather be annoyed by your nags than feel as though you could care less. After I scream at you for nagging me I do realize it’s out of love, even if I rarely show it.

    And I’m sorry for my rude remarks when you question me about my care. For example:

    “I’m not dead yet” ; “Go make it your facebook status”/”Go write a book about it” and many more.

    But Mom really, I do appreciate you and I know you care about me more than anyone else in the world. Sometimes I miss your nagging and badgering. I expect that you’ll be doing it until there is a cure. And by now, I’m basically used to it. And you have every right to be concerned about my care because you and I both know I’m not an A+ care taker of myself. I actually had a conversation with a few friends on my floor the other day about how you’re the only person who I can REALLY talk to about my diabetes.

    All in all, I love and appreciate you more than I could ever say. I’d be no where with out your nags.

    I’ll give you a 1 nag per day right without me getting angry 😉

  3. At age 21, I no longer find the urge to ask him if he has checked his blood sugar. I know when he is high, because he just seems mad or has a pissy response to any question. Then I will say if you don’t check your blood sugar, I will. He laughs.
    What I do ask is: is there juice in the car? With a reply of regular pop too, I needed it last week. Seems he needs to adjust (lower) pump basals as soon as the nice weather shows up.

    I do remember him coming home from school, he was probably in the 5th grade and I think I tossed him the meter and said please check your blood sugar. He threw the meter back at me and told me, why don’t you check your blood sugar.

    He has tried the lantus/novolog shot route…he likes to eat often, so that meant dosing novolog often and remembering to bring it wherever he went. He didn’t mind it, just didn’t like remembering to take it with him all the time. Unfortunately he has to cover proteins with insulin to get good numbers. When lantus appeared on the market, he thought he could have lived on protein and avoided novolog, we quickly found out that was not the case. Carbohydrates + protein – fiber (+ correction for a blood sugar over 120 if needed)… is the formula he uses to calculate insulin needs.

  4. Jesse used to say “MOM, stop talking about diabetes!” He hated it. But in the end – and there was an end – I still set the table for 5 by accident some nights and I still yell, “time to eat…did you check yet?” It is a habit you will never shake. And I wish more than anything I got a response back when I yelled it now.

  5. Oh Michelle. We do our best. Many things happen in life, and it isn’t always diabetes that takes our children.
    I wish you well.

  6. Thank you for blogging my very thoughts and feelings. I’m holding out on the blogging thing for now. My Hannah (dx at 7) and now 10 gave me the reality check about 3 months ago when she said…”All you ever talk to me about is diabetes. We used to talk about lots of other stuff.” I won’t stop talking about diabetes to others, but I consciously make an effort to NOT talk about it all the time in front of her. She is so much more than diabetes, even though it is ever present every hour of every day.

    Sounds like you and Lauren have a good relationship and you will both do just fine when she comes home from her freshmen year. Nagging and all, she knows you love her!

  7. She is not “moving towards self care”……she is there. Please give her credit for that (and I know that you do………or do you?)

    My perspective is from a PWD who was dx in ’74 @ the age of 14. Before the dark ages!! Here is the background info to my reply: I had very supportive parents who sacrificed to make sure I had the best of what was available to take care of the D. (We had to write multiple letters of appeals to our insurance company to get them to cover the $250 cost of my first “gluco-meter” in the early ’80s. Mom couldn’t beleive it the day I called her a few years ago to tell her I was cleaning out my bathroom cabinets and throwing dozens of old meters away.) I was always a responsible kid and young adult who did what I needed to do to take care of myself and the D.

    But, to be honest, those breakaway years were a difficult transition between my mom and me. She didn’t nag but she would ask what my number was when I tested or “if I needed to eat” (in reference to the pre-pump days when I lived at home and we ate by the clock.) When I would reveal a high bg she would ask “what did you eat/do?” Again, her prespective of diabetes management were from the days when we didn’t have much info to go on and we all thought every high could have been avoided. (No butterflies flapping their wings in Africa got the blame for a high bg in the early days. The PWD always carried that burden.)

    Her need to comment and question NEVER stopped. Even though I knew her comments and questions were grounded in love……they still carried a sting and were insulting. My inner voice wondered how she thought I managed to graduate college, climb the career ladder, marry a wonderful man, obtain my masters, etc., etc. without her insight and advice on the D on a daily basis.

    A few years ago we were together when she asked what my bg was after I had tested. I prefer to keep those numbers private unless I know the person gets it and understands the nuances of diabetes. I have no problem sharing bgs with fellow PWD, my husband or my many friends who are CDE. My mom wasn’t among this group and her question irked me. I asked why she continued to ask after all these years……..her response “because I’ll always be your mother”. It brought me to tears.

    We laughed and cried and walked down memory lane about the early days. I once again expressed how grateful I was for her love and support and company on this journey. I then admitted that her questions and comments were insulting and if she got a pass to fall back into that old role and relationship then I did too. I then asked her to reinstate my allowance and I wanted back pay!! We laughed and cried some more………..but it did stop the questions and comments. What’s odd is that I am now more forthcoming about the day to day grind of the D and she has finally developed an understanding of what taking care of this disease is like today.

    This conversation should have happened years ago. She always knew her comments/questions bothered me, but yet she continued because she felt entitled because “I am your mother”. Please don’t make the same mistake. Yes, you have earned your stripes, you have dedicated much of your life and made tremendous sacrifices to make sure your daughter is healthy and well adjusted. But that doesn’t entitle you to continue to questions and nag long after the need has passed. Make a point of praising your daughter for making (past tense) this transistion with great success. She is already doing what she needs to do to successfully live with this disease. Let her be the one that asks for support, advice, etc., when she needs it…….not when you feel the urge to give it. It stings……trust me on this one.

    PS…..I’ve always told my mom that there is a special place in heaven for moms of T1s. I know there is!!!! She agrees.

    And we adult CWD thank all you moms from the bottom of our inept, slacker pancrei!!! We couldn’t have done it without you. None of us walk this journey alone.

  8. Brenda what fantastic insight! Thank you. And yes, I DO give her credit. She’s a remarkable human being — not just when it comes to diabetes either! Hope you keep reading — and sharing!

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