Guest Post: My Daughter Speaks Out. Some honesty and a request for advice

July 11, 2011By 27 Comments

The following guest post arrived in my email box the other morning with a note to me that read “Mom. Please read this carefully and make it sound better.” Lauren, I didn’t need to change a word.

I was sitting in work today doing the kind of work that requires focus, but allows your mind to wander a bit. In between scanning checks, I had a reality check of my own: I’m going to be twenty years old in less than two months. The fact that I will soon have lived two decades baffles me. Where did the time go? I have another “versary” too: Along with me turning twenty years old I will also hit my fourteen-year mark of having diabetes.

My memory of being diagnosed with diabetes is one of the sharpest ones in my mind. As a matter of a fact, I could replay every second of every minute of that day if I wanted to; the confusion of a little girl trying to understand why everyone (even the doctor) almost cried when I asked “Will I need a shot?”  The little stuffed turtle my dad ran to the hospital gift shop to grab since I’d been rushed there without any of my “stufties” that I loved so much; the IV’s, the doctors. All of it.

Lauren, three days before her diagnosis in 1997.

Fourteen years. How has it been that long? It’s sad to say that I can no longer remember much of life before my diagnosis. As the days went by when I was younger, I held on to my careless days. I’d cry to my mother about how I missed being carefree. I guess I can say that now it’s almost easier to not remember the days before the diagnosis. I have nothing to miss.

I may have nothing to miss anymore, but I do hope I have things to look forward too. I want to be alive, healthy, and ready to go when the cure for diabetes finally shows up. Along with it hitting me that I was turning twenty and hitting my fourteenth year of having diabetes, it also hit me that it’s time for me to grow up. I’m not calling myself immature.  I’m not one of those college kids who lives for the high school drama post graduating, or who is going to the prom after graduating (eww), or coming home every weekend from school. I’m not immature in any of those ways, but one thing I have always been extremely immature with is my diabetes.

I’m going to be honest here, and I really hope you don’t judge me, because I’m done hearing about how diabetes is “easy” and how everyone except me has an A1c of 6.4. I have never been that great at taking care of myself. Until about eighth grade, my mom ran my diabetes world. I didn’t have to worry about it because she worried about it for me. I can remember her stressing out and studying log books when my a1c went over 7.1 once (Oh, those were the days). My control was tight, my care was excellent and things were relatively okay.

But once the responsibility began to shift to me, I crashed. I had no interest in trying. I didn’t, and still really don’t, think about my future. I live for the moment, and in most moments I could care less about diabetes. (One might say: I’ve been a teenager.)

Whenever my friends and family would ask about my care. I’d respond with the simple.. “Oh yeah, it’s fine.”

It works for me, until my heartburn acts up, I’m falling asleep in class, or getting sick in the middle of the night from ketones and/or high blood sugar.

And the fact is, while I may  say I “live for the day,” in truth, when all is still, I worry about my diabetes more than anyone will ever know. I toss and turn in the middle of the night six of seven nights of the week. It’s hard to hide how much it upsets me sometimes, although I try to. Who wants to show that weakness?

A few weeks ago, I was at a welcome home party for a good friend who is in the Navy, when my life long best friend Kelsey knew something was wrong (like she always does). I broke down; I didn’t want to be “bad” at diabetes anymore. I cried and cried and cried and she listened. This was one of the first times I’ve ever spoken to someone who isn’t my mom about diabetes this way. And it felt good. She offered to carry a meter in her purse for me at all times, and she even gave me my lantus shot that night. She always knows how to re-assure me that everything will end up fine and that she’s always here for me.

Kelsey and Lauren. As I like to say "Friends since the sandbox."

This was an odd occurrence with Kelsey because my mom is one of the only people I can really talk to about my diabetes. She may not have it, but she sure as hell gets it. I’ll walk into her room or her office once every couple of weeks and just cry. She listens and just let’s me rant. After these break downs I feel re-powered, and ready to try at this endless disease again. But it’s all a cycle. I always seem to get back into ignoring diabetes again.

That’s one of my biggest problems. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to acknowledge it. I keep telling myself if I ignore it, it will go away.

So here is the thing: I can’t live like this anymore. I feel as though I’m the only person going through this kind of problem. My A1c reached a record high for me at my last endo appointment, and I just broke down in tears. Once again my mom was there, all ears, listening to me curse out diabetes.

Why is it so difficult for me? It’s not like I don’t want to take care of myself. It’s just that … I can’t find any way to get myself to do so. I have the best support system in the world. My parents love me and would do anything to help me. I have the two best friends that a person could ever ask for, who have been there for me since the day of my diagnosis, and would do anything to help me. I’m a member of Gamma Phi Beta at George Mason University, where four of my ninety-eight sisters have diabetes. (Weird!). But I can’t seem to get myself to ask for help.

Come the beginning of August. I will be sent to what I like to call (dramatic drumroll please): Diabetes Rehab. It’s a weeklong re-education program at the Joslin Center in Boston. I assure you that you’ll probably hear me kicking and screaming the entire way there, but deep down, I know it’s necessary and for the best. Let’s hope that my rehab results will be better than all the celebs we hear about in US weekly ;) I don’t wanna be no dia-Lohan!

So, here it is.  I’m letting my guard down and I’m asking for your help. I’m done being ignorant of my disease. What do you do to make taking care of yourself easier? Ideas? Thoughts? Confessions. Anything helps.

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Comments (27)

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  1. Katie says:

    Hi Lauren,
    I passed this on to my son, who will be “celebrating” 18 years this winter. I am HOPING he’ll have some words of encouragement. I think everyone goes through this (or almost everyone) The fact is that MOST young adults do not have a1cs of 6.5 – it’s a real struggle for everyone.
    :-)

  2. Lauren: God Bless You. It’s hard enough just to be 20 years old but to have to deal with diabetes means you have to be super-human. I can’t really give you any advice on how to take care of yourself because I tend to let myself go because I’m so busy being a mom and owning a business. I guess you have to face every day with an attitude of gratitude….thank God you’re alive and you have such a wonderful family (with an amazing mother who cares as much as she does), and thank God you are so smart and can handle the disease (imagine if you weren’t so smart and couldn’t even grasp the concept). Look at how it has shaped your life and given you the opportunity to rub elbows with so many amazing people like your old friend Ted Kennedy. But give yourself a break. You’re human. You’re 20. Deal with each day as it comes as best you can. It’s OK to feel sorry for yourself. It sucks to have Diabetes. I cannot even imagine. But you have a lot to be grateful for, and perhaps a gratitude journal would be helpful. Oprah keeps one. I know your mom is all about having pretty blank books in her purse. She gave me several a few years ago, God Bless her. Maybe you should have one in your purse where you can capture moments of amazingly great things that happen to you. Then when things suck, you can try to remind yourself that things could be worse. I hope this helps. I sure do admire you….a whole lot. And that friend of yours from the sandbox? She must be amazing too. Thank God for her too! Take care.

  3. Oh Lauren, your post was wonderful and made me cry. My daughter is nearly 12 and was diagnosed about 16 months ago, so we’re in the transition period where she takes care of herself fully during the day, and I take the evenings, nights and weekends. Sarah is a very busy girl, and she prides herself on being “on” at all times – so her main motivation to making sure she’s taking good care of her diabetes is that she wants to feel good and do everything her friends do. And she absolutely hates it when someone makes a big deal about her diabetes – and the easiest way to avoid that is to not have extreme highs or lows where people see something wrong with her. I know she’s probably going to go through rough times in the future, but for now, this works for her. And Lauren, don’t let this get you down. You’ve been dealt a hand that is exceedingly unfair and requires insane amounts of attention. You have to be an Endo+ at 20 (because really, you probably know more and have more experience managing diabetes than most Endos do) when you should just be able to enjoy a carefree life. I feel your frustration. But just like you don’t let diabetes define you, don’t let your frustration with your diabetes care make you feel less…anything. You are clearly a smart, articulate, mature young woman. I don’t even know you, and I’m proud of you – so I know your mama’s got to be just busting at the seams with love and pride.

  4. Lauren says:

    It breaks my heart to read this because I felt EXACTLY the same way. I NEVER had tight control, since I was diagnosed at 15, the responsibility was always just mine. Taking care of myself not something I was honestly all THAT interested in. I know that response of, “Oh I’m fine” or “I have it all under control” When the fact is you don’t feel that way. I think the rehab program sounds amazing, but for me, it was a decision. I had to DECIDE to take this seriously. Nothing in particular happened to me, I read Mary Tyler Moore’s book, “Growing Up Again” and I knew I had to make some changes in my life. Everyday is hard, but you have to take it one day at a time. If I don’t, I get too overwhelemed and I just want to give up. I started writing my blog, which really helped and I became more honest with people about how I was ACTUALLY feeling. Which, was hard at first, but now I don’t feel guilty about when I do “go high” because the people around me know it does happen. Do you have a CGM? Or a pump? I found that having a meter synch with my pump made these much easier too. I hope you find how important is it to take care of yourself, so when the cure is available, we are here for it together. Best of luck

  5. Cheryl Dwyer says:

    Lauren, your post had me crying…I do not know diabetes other than what I have learned from your mom. I now know its just not a shot and don’t eat sweets (most of us think that way about diabetes!). But I can relate to you on so many levels with my daughter’s diseases as she transitions into high school, I am teaching her to care for herself which is not easy, she is learning how to advocate for proper medical care with the medical professionals, she is learning that if she doesn’t sleep enough, drink enough, eat enough or rest, or worse miss her meds, she will miss out for 2-3 days on fun with her friends at the beach. It’s a learning curve….as a mom, I’m trying to teach her to take care of her illness, not her illness taking her. Hard as it is for me to standby and watch her make her mistakes (and of course, I jump right in with the proper medical equipment; blood pressure machine, o2 stat when I think she is doing it all wrong), I know its harder on her to deal with it without me coaching her along.

    I hope she has the friends you do, I pray she makes the decision to go to her own “rehab” this summer that the doctors want her to go to…but how as a parent do I tell her, you need to be in Providence, Hasbro Children’s Hospital for the month of August so you learn how to deal with life, your illness and all the crap that comes with having to grow up faster than your “healthy friends” ? I am going to let her make that decision now…I was planning on making it for her but after your post, she needs to be ready, not me. So for that, I thank you and I wish you the best at your rehab! You will succeed….it’s in your genes!!

    Warmest thoughts and wishes,
    Cheryl Noble-Dwyer

  6. Thank you for the insight,Lauren. I can’t begin to imagine what life is like in your shoes. I live in the shoes of your mother and I pray that I can be there for my son to rant too when the need arises. He will never remember life before diabetes but thankfully he doesn’t remember diagnosis either. He was two and we have been living with diabetes for 11 years. You will have your ups and downs (we do as parents and caregivers). Take diabetes in small doses…savoring the victories and knowing that you have four more hours to make the next shot/bolus work that much better.
    Good luck to you. Your mother taught you well and things will come together for you.

  7. Hi Lauren,
    We have not met, but we are connected through your Mom. My daughter Kaleigh just turned 13 and has 11 1/2 years under her belt with diabetes. She has many difficult days ahead, but I want to share with you something she said recently. We were talking about another child who was diagnosed later and is very angry as are the parents. When I asked her about this she said the difference for her is that she lives her life with diabetes and this child lets diabetes be his life. She is quite capable of caring for herself, but when she is with us, she completely regresses and lets us take care of it, a vacation so to speak. I won’t pretend to have the answers you need, I am not sure anyone does, but I would recommend you keep talking and, hard as it is, ask for help even if you think you don’t need it. I am quite sure you will figure out what works for you with friends and family supporting you all of the way.

  8. Kimberly Souza says:

    Thank you for your courage and honesty Lauren. I have known you since your diagnosis in kindergarten when you were in my daughter Kristi’s class, I will never forget that day either. I simply couldn’t find the words to help your mom get through it. Now that I am an adult with diabetes, I know exactly what you’re going through. Sometimes I just want a week or just a day off from having a cronic illness. It’s not “easy” by any means and I can’t stand when I hear that either! Some days I choose to ignore my disease and others, I am just getting through the day with very low lows or very high highs. I have diabetic neuropathy in my legs to add to my pain and stress. But somehow I get through the days and try to do the best I can to take care of myself. I know there’s always more I could be doing but I’m only human and so are you. You and your mom are an amazing team!

  9. Dawn Ripley says:

    Hey Lauren,

    I have to tell you.. this really hit home for me (so much I am going to look into Rehab so I can meet up with you and maybe we can get through this together).

    I just turned 40. and the last 20 yrs or so, I have had the same thoughts. I hate being Diabetic. I just returned to Joslin last year after having the Big D for 34 yrs. I have just been approved for disabilty because I have done such a bang up job taking care of myself. It came to light last year when I read what my doctor wrote and said ” Dawn has EVERY complication of diabetes there is”. That was a huge wake up for me. My A1C was 13.1. at my “emergency” admission to Joslin. I had been in the hospital 6 times in 8 months with everything under the sun, DKA, pancreatitus, laser surgery on my eyes, kidney issues, ulcers on my feet and the list goes on. I spent most of my 20′s ignoring my diabetes and out drinking, smoking, and eating whatever I wanted. I only checked my bloodsugar when I felt like crap or was throwing up. i told everyone who cared about me and warned me what could happen ” I am going to live my life, the way I want to, without regret or limiting myself in any way. I would rather live my way til I am 40 then hate my life til 70. ” I even had to terminate a pregnancy because the doctors told me that my child would never make it and the chances of me dying during childbirth were very high with my diabetes being so out of control.
    Currently, I am rolling around in a wheelchair due to breaking my ankle back in November, waliking on it for a week due to neuropathy, (where I can’t feel pain in my feet) and I didn’t know it was broken. Due to all the complications.. bad circulation, neuropathy, bad bloodsugar control, it has not healed properly. This has been the worst nightmare ever. I had the 4th surgery 2 days before my 40th birthday where they have drilled a hole up into my fibia (big leg bone) put a rod in and fused all my ankle bones together using plates and pins to hold it together. Hopefully it will heal properly this time and I will be able to walk on my own two feet within the next 3-4 months. If it doesn’t, they will have to cut my leg off from the knee down!!

    I am not trying to scare you or looking for sympathy… I brought this all on myself! I am telling you this, because I really want to help you to understand how bad this can really get. Believe me… I know exactly how you feel! There is so much more I could tell you and I’m sure you can relate. But I hope that you take your “rehab” seriously. And if you ever need someone to talk to, ask questions, or just vent, cry, throw things with(not kidding), please feel free to contact me anytime. You can get me at dawn.ripley@hotmail.com or 978-204-5356. Good Luck!!
    Dawn

  10. Kristin Dubois says:

    Hi Lauren..thank you for writing what I know many young people w/ diabetes feel..my daughter is 14 now, living w/ diabetes for 9+ years…she is at the stage where we are handing over little by little her daily care to her..It isn’t easy, because I know she won’t be as vigilant as I would..but it is her body and her life..she does have to make a choice someday to take control..I don’t know if she is ready now, but we have to try little things..she starts high school next month..I am a nervous wreck..will she test as much as she should?..will she eat a good lunch?..will she be ok during gym and soccer practice?..I am willing to let her try, but I am there to help..I admit I am a bit burnt out of all the care..so, she living w/ this the rest of her life will someday as well..all I can hope is she learns to come to terms w/ living w/ it..she has many hopes and dreams that I want her to reach, and I know she can-maybe with a little help from me..thank you for your honesty..let us know how it all goes for you.

  11. Donna Shuford says:

    Thank you, Lauren!! I am a Mom of 3 T1′s, 11, 7 and 5. I so appreciate your honesty. You gave me a lot to cry about, to laugh about and to just say wow about! You gave me hope! To let my sugar babies go to college!! Even without a “perfect” A1c! You rock!! Guest post your thoughts anytime!!

  12. Zach Clayton says:

    Lauren, I am one of your mom’s “diabetes friends”. My son Kyle attended CC2005 when your family was chairfamily. As parents, we ordinarily live our lives through our kids and when one of them has diabetes; well, we tend to take every high, low, and off-target A1C as a personal slam against our skills as a parent. We shouldn’t do that and you shouldn’t either. Diabetes is a mean monster and like I tell my ODST folks, you can do everything right and a high or low will come uut of nowhere. You are human, I’m human, Kyle’s human and we all are human.Your post helped me remember that fact and I appreciate it.

    I always say that those of you with Type I are the strongest “kids” I know and handle it a heck of a lot better than the adults and/or parents do. You proved that today.

    Zach – Kingston Springs, TN

  13. michelle smith says:

    dear lauren,
    thank you for this wonderful article. my daughter was diagnosed at 6, she is now 10. and i’m sure she thinks sometimes if she just ignores it all, it will go away. i try to do everything for her, but she is getting to the age where she wants some independence and that means looking after herself for short periods of time. tears in my eyes for all she still has to battle and conquer…..your an amazing person and so is your mum. xxx

  14. Alyssa says:

    Hi Lauren!
    This sounds like my life about a year ago, exactly. I’m 21 years old (and was diagnosed at 9). I just graduated from college last May, and I’m going to medical school in the fall so I can eventually be a pediatric endocrinologist a bajillion years down the line (I’m from Indiana, and I’m actually moving cross country tomorrow to go to medical school in Miami, FL). I’m recently engaged, I have wonderful friends (sounds like you do too!), and I absolutely love my life. My last A1C was 6.8 (but don’t take that the wrong way… it hasn’t always been so pretty). From high school through my junior year of college, I just couldn’t stay motivated with diabetes. It wasn’t that I WANTED to not take care of myself… it was just that I couldn’t seem to stay motivated and on track. My A1C’s were in the 9′s for several years in college, and I’m honestly not sure how they stayed that low. I would go weeks without checking. I always wore my pump and I almost always bolused… but it was total crap, because I was shooting in the dark. I spent the beginning of college as a dance major, so I kept my blood sugars higher so I could avoid lows in classes. It was nasty. 300 and 400 felt perfectly normal. And I knew it wasn’t good, but I was “living in the moment.” It was hard to always check. It was hard to do what I knew I needed to do in the back of my mind. I’m still not sure why, but it just was.
    And then I started thinking about the future (this is the Aha part!). I started seriously dating my fiance 2.5 years ago, and for the first time I started thinking about things ten years from now… twenty years from now… 50 years. I want kids, and I realized I need to take care of myself NOW to be able to have healthy pregnancies LATER. And to be healthy enough to enjoy my future kids’ lives. This was also around the time that I started applying to medical schools… and I thought to myself- how can I take care of others when I can’t even take care of myself? Kerri over at sixuntilme.com had a great post after her daughter was born about taking care of diabetes FIRST- just like putting an oxygen mask on yourself before helping others. That really hit home with me. I want to be able to live a long, healthy life with the people I love, doing what I love. At our age, it is so easy to live moment to moment. That’s just how college is- that’s what all of our friends do, so why shouldn’t we? But in order to be able to really live moment to moment for years to come… we have to take care of diabetes today and everyday.

    That doesn’t mean being perfect (hello current blood sugar of 265 mg/dl after a dinner of pasta and wine!!). But it does mean making the most of every single day. It means doing the most that we can with the information we get from checks or sensors (instead of just ignoring numbers we don’t like to see). It means coming to terms with the fact that our diabetes management now is seriously affecting the quality of our lives down the line. That’s what was so challenging for me to get. I’m not sure when it clicked, but I know that every day I am making a serious effort to stay healthy so that I can really live my dreams.

    Diabetes rehab sounds AWESOME. I hope that it is what you need to get yourself focused on diabetes again! I taught diabetes education at my diabetes summer camp this summer, and my favorite lesson was on goal setting. Diabetes is all about little steps, little improvements, little adjustments all of the time. When you break it down, it gets a lot less overwhelming! One way I stay motivated now (aside from realizing that I need to be healthy to live my dreams) is by setting a goal each week or so. Like… making sure I’m logging all of my blood sugars manually this week. Or trying to keep my blood sugars under 200 all day for at least 3/7 days. Little things. Because they add up!

    I hope my rambling is somewhat helpful… I’d love to talk more, since we are about the same age and dealing with some similar things (because staying motivated w/diabetes isn’t just something that happens and stays awesome… it’s something that has to be seriously maintained). Good luck and thanks for sharing!

  15. Beth McCrary says:

    Thanks for sharing and being so honest. We all have so much to share and learn from one another on this crazy diabetes journey. Best of luck on your trip to Rehab and please share what you learn!

  16. Vicki Bancroft says:

    Lauren-
    I have not had to deal with diabetes in my life or in my childrens’ lives but I am so touched to read your post and applaud you as a strong and evolving young adult. I know you will figure this out because look how far you have already come. Just stay on the path…just stay the course…you will use your spunk and your great brain to work this out for you, I know. Be well and know so many of us care about you.
    Vicki Bancroft (Moira’s friend and fellow writer)

  17. Ann says:

    Lauren and Moira,

    Oh how we all relate to your posts! When you write about it all nagging at you when you try to sleep is all too familiar to us. I am glad you had a wonderful year at college despite diabetes.
    Having a caring home team and a good friend to help you vent/care about your diabetes sounds like wonderful diabetes therapy.

    I was talking to Phil about this particular post, and asking him if his insulin calculator template still works on word press and unfortunately it doesn’t. He also said Mom you can’t be in a million households staying up all night to check fasting blood sugars to get their basals right like you did for me. We both had to laugh because he is right.

    Two weeks ago, Phil turned 22, In 3 more weeks, it will be 21 years of life with diabetes for him. Trial and error have been a big part of his diabetes care. His diabetes life started with a 17.8 Ha1c at 13 months old. He is one of the lucky ones that now hails at 6.0 or just above that.

    Nph and Regular insulins, drawing units plus 1/2 doses, and the great summer honeymoons of one shot a day were a big part of his preteen years. Certain pizza places are off limits because their sauce must be pure sugar and hell to cover. Chicken nuggets at school are overloaded with carbs. Remembering if something you ate made your numbers higher than usual and noting it somewhere gives you a heads up the next time you need to cover that same food. Finding out how many carbs are in your meal is important.

    Living on lantus was not fun for Phil. He quickly learned that he was not one of the lucky ones that could live on proteins and shot free for those proteins. We had to learn to factor in protein carbs and subtract fiber.. Those were 7 shot days, 4 long months of Lantus and Novolog for carbs, A pump was approved within 4 months.. He loved to graze on NPH and could, With Lantus he had to split his lantus dose 12 hours apart, 2 times a day to avoid lows, plus shots every time he wished to eat.

    Insulin Adjustments up till age 18 every 7 or 8 weeks were a normal part of his life. Factoring in sports and muscle weight gains/weight losses/growth. Morning class and school stress were all part of diabetes life and adjusting insulins so they worked. Live and learn and roll with the needs is how diabetes works.

    Yes the meter has been thrown here plenty. I know when his blood sugar is possibly up or he needs a pump change…his attitude sucks and he is mouthy and argumentative at that point. I tell him I don’t care to talk to him and he better check his blood sugar. If his blood sugars are where he likes them at 80 to 120, he is the nicest guy on earth.

    Getting those basals right, and covering foods and correcting as needed are part of his daily routine. These things he just does and as a parent I am very grateful that he does.

    So here is his sample guide and note that he pumps Novolog:

    Have your mom, or significant other set their alarm every hour, Stop eating by 10 pm. Wash your hands and check blood sugar and correct. We started at midnight on a Saturday till noon Sunday with checking blood sugars hourly and adjusting basals. He slept through it all, I wrote what basal and the adjustment basal down if I adjusted each hour. I have no problem falling back asleep for 50 minutes and checking blood sugars. If the number is good you just skip adjusting basal for that hour.

    Figuring out basals and correction factor and covering carbs correctly instead of guessing are all important in keeping some steady blood sugars, understanding of course that there will be stressful days or weeks and illnesses that may throw all your numbers off, You may want to set up an alternative pattern B for those days.

    The goal was to fix the basals. Write down the basals as they are in your pump currently. Know the blood sugar at 10 pm, correct if needed to get a goal number 80 to 120. Hopefully you have a good correction factor. For Phil it’s one unit of insulin reduces his blood sugar 25 points.

    At midnight based on what the blood sugar is we either leave it alone if the number is 80-120, or we start to adjust the basal .05 up or down depending on the number. For Phil, 0 .05 units, is aggressive enough to make a difference in blood sugars. If we don’t get the number we want at 1 am, than we adjust that basal by 0 .10 units and so on at 2 am, 3 am, etc. Each time write down what you are doing, you will start to see a correction pattern for working basals.

    During the day he uses this formula as it works for him:
    Check blood sugar, figure your correction factor if one is needed unless you have an upcoming activity, than proceed conservatively with a correction factor.
    How many carbs of food are you going to consume?
    For Phil it is (number of carbohydrates + proteins – fiber) add this number and figure out your insulin need plus any insulin correction. We do not round off numbers if insulin needs are 4.8 units, that is what he gives.

    Good Luck and Congrats for wanting to take control.

  18. laura says:

    Lauren

    Thank u for putting a voice to T1. It helps me as a mom have insight into my 10 year old daughter’s brain. She was dx @ 3. U are an amazing young woman. I hope @ our next visit I will not b stressed over an a1c….as that doesn’t define Olivia or us but they seem to want it to. We have never been under the 8′s….except @ dx.

    I guess the stress is the constant…so how can u not get burnt out. Never a day w/o D giving u a gotcha thing….u think u know but then there is a curve ball thrown in no matter what…kind of undermines your confidence & u hear that self doubt creep in.

    U r so on the right track. I wish u the best & commend u for being so open & honest! I’m so embracing the insight u have shared w me as I am a T1 mom living with not as.

  19. Joe says:

    Lauren,

    Hello my fellow T1, I’ve been T1 thirty years and needless to say, can relate to every word you so articulately wrote. I’m hear to tell you to get off your butt, look closely in the mirror, and TELL DIABETES YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LET IT TAKE YOU! From your post, we can all sense your inner strength: you just have to cast off the self-imposed shackles and start kicking Diabetes in the face. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! And don’t fool yourself: you are not the only person going through this. You are still healthy, alive, and stronger than you would be without having had diabetes the past 14 years. C’mon, Lauren, some people who got diabetes the same time as you are no longer with us! So don’t be so hard on yourself and accept the fact that you are a fighter. USE THE STRENGTH you have acquired by having had diabetes and GET IT ON! You said it best when you said “I can’t live like this anymore.” Start with a simple step, get a cgm if you don’t have it, and learn to respect and react to the high alert–talk to a trusted T1 and diabetes educator either before or at rehab camp and do it right. Use positive self-talk and tell yourself each day that YOU ARE READY TO START LIVING THE LIFE YOU SEEK and go into rehab camp with a winning attitude. LAUREN, YOU CAN AND WILL BEAT DIABETES!

  20. victoria says:

    Bravo Lauren. I’m in tears because I have been where you are, and I want to tell you you’ll make it through. With unimaginable clarity, I see myself in you! I’m 29, and I’ve lived with diabetes for more than 18 years. I went through this in high school and onward through college, even taking a pump vacation like yourself. I didn’t see the other side until after college, and I commend you for realizing this sooner than I did! I don’t know you personally, but know I am here if you need ANYTHING! I am so proud of you for admitting this, writing about it and asking for help by way of support. You are incredible, and you will do marvelous. You’ll still have bad days, but you will be stronger for this!

  21. Just found your Mom’s blog and loved your post. I am preparing to “celebrate” my 20th year with Type I and this past year has been the toughest. Between post-partum (I know, a far cry from where you are), raising 2 little boys, the depression became worse. I am being treated and facing the rehab of my habits each day. It is possible. We can live a happy, healthy life. You are not alone, it is ok to ask for help, it is ok to cry and curse too. Thanks for your words.

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